Top Gear Halo
by Dajun - Shinespark
Summary: The British Top Gear boys get their hands on some serious military equipments and must find out which is best thorugh their usual challenges. You just know that they'll mess up, don't you?
1. Challenge 1

**Top Gear Halo**

**Challenge 1**

**Jeremy: **Hello and welcome. We begin tonight with something we've never had before: a very serious issue. Just what is the best vehicle used by the army today?

**Richard: **It is actually a very big problem because according to research, one in ten soldiers die on the front line simply because they don't have anything decent to escape with.

**James: **Yes and now that the Army funds Top Gear, we have been given the task of trying to sort the best from the best in terms of land based military transport. So, to do that, the production team has given us each ten million pounds and told us to buy a second hand vehicle that we think is best for the job…

*

(Sand Trap)

**Jeremy: **(off screen) This is what I came up with: it is a five year old Warthog with five million miles on the clock and customised interior trim. (On screen) As you would expect, I've done this properly: the Warthog was a favourite amongst the grunts of our great planet and now that we're in more trouble than ever with our galactic neighbours, it's high time to bring this old war horse back into service. As with all great military vehicles, it's got four wheel drive, does about half a mile per gallon and of course, the pierce de resistance (points at the gun turret). Frankly, I've already won this.

**Richard: **(off screen) I was the second to arrive.

**Jeremy: **Richard, what the hell have you done?!

**Richard: **(On screen, getting off the Mongoose) What?

**Jeremy: **The brief said buy a _car_, not a quad bike!

**Richard: **Well I know I'm pointing at technicalities here but when was the last time you've ever seen a Warthog classed as a car?

**Jeremy: **Well…

**Richard: **Exactly! I've bought a Mongoose. It's small, nimble and cheap to produce, which is what we need in the Army, something that can outrun anything the enemy might use. And if you dare to make a height joke then I'm gonna shove this gun right up your nose.

**Jeremy: **(walks around it) Actually I was gonna make a joke about something else. Where's your weapon?

**Richard: **You what?

**Jeremy: **Your weapon, I don't see one.

Richard: Well, it _is_ quite small…

**Jeremy: **No, it's not small, it's just isn't there.

**Richard: **But that's not really important, is it…?

**Jeremy: **What'd you mean it's not important?! How can you have a military vehicle without some form of armament? You might as well as drive a bus into the battle other wise. (Off screen) As means of revenge, however, Hammond soon turned to my Warthog.

**Richard: **So this is supposed to be the successor to the Humvee, is it?

**Jeremy: **Of course it is! It's got ten times the horsepower and the armour is ten times as thick…

**Richard: **It doesn't have any doors.

**Jeremy: **So?

**Richard: **So all the enemy would have to do is jump onto the side, knock you out and then you're mince meat.

**Jeremy: **Ah, but that's where my rather manly weapon comes in. You see that gun, 360 degrees of protection that offers, whereas yours have nothing. (Off screen) Whilst we were arguing, however, James showed up and for the second time in my life, I was speechless.

**James: **(arrives in a Brute Chopper) Good morning.

**Jeremy: **James, where the hell did you get this?

**James: **From a little old lady who lived in Guildford, why?

**Jeremy: **Are you absolutely sure that you didn't just pop round to your mates over at Covenant central so that you can get something for the film today?

**James: **Look I realise that it's not entirely Earth built…

**Richard: **Oh is it not? That looks suspiciously like something you would expect to see pulling out a petrol station in London.

**James: **Like it or not, the UNSC is capturing more and more of these things on the battle field and I happen to think that they're rather good alternatives…

**Jeremy: **Why don't you just admit that you couldn't find anything Earth based and had to look elsewhere?

**Richard: **And** y**ou know how you just mocked me for not buying a car…?

**James: **Oh here we go.

**Jeremy: **James, please tell me you understood the challenge.

**James: **I knew you were going to bring that up because I _did_ understand it. The challenge was to buy a land based military _vehicle_, which means it's not necessarily tied down to cars.

**Richard: **Yeah but this _is_ Top Gear and at least both mine and Jeremy's have four wheels…

**James: **And yet you two are still going to lose because my ten-ton Brute Chopper is easily one of the toughest vehicles available today and thanks to that, it will _eat_ your pathetic little scooter and your pathetic little Chelsea Tractor.

(They all argue)

**Richard: **(off screen) We spent ages trying to use our traditional means of settling down an argument. But unfortunately, our new bosses told us to get on with the challenge.

**Jeremy: **Ok, here's challenge 1. (Radio chatter) Ok… it says here that "A good military vehicle should be fast enough to get the troops away from dangerous areas so we will begin with something of which you should be familiar with: a quarter mile drag race, who's got the fastest vehicle?"

**James: **Don't you gloat, Hammond.

**Richard: **What? You should've anticipated that, shouldn't you?

(At the starting line)

**Jeremy: **Ok, I think I'm gonna pretend to set this on _Sport_ mode, pretend to disable the traction control and pretend to activate all sort of interesting gadgets that would help at this moment in time except this thing doesn't have any of them.

**James: **(off screen) Hammond might have been feeling confident that his tiny Invalid Carriage would win him the challenge, but I had a secret weapon up my sleeve…

**Announcer: **(off screen) 3, 2, 1, GO!

**Richard: **And we're off! Plenty of wheel spin and revs!

**Jeremy: **Come on, Warthog! (Off screen) Hammond's Mongoose might only have a turbo charged engine from a scooter, but thanks to the smallness of both it and its driver, I simply couldn't compete. (On screen) All the armour and the weaponry are causing some very slight problems with the performance but at least I'm doing better than Captain Slow!

**James: **(Off screen) But the smile was about to be wiped from his face. (On screen) The finishing line is in sight and I think it's time to engage my secret weapon! (Boosts and over takes the Warthog)

**Jeremy: **What the hell was that?!

**James: **Bye, mate!

**Jeremy: **That cheating £$%^!

**Richard: **(off screen) Secret weapon or not, though, my Mongoose still bagged me an early victory. (On screen) Crossing the line! Proof, ladies and gentlemen, that size _does_ matter, but not in the way you'd expect.

**James: **(Off screen) Thanks to my boost, I came second with Jeremy trailing third, which seemed to annoy him slightly…

**Jeremy: **(looming over James with the Warthog)

**James: **What?!

**Jeremy: **You do that one more time and I'm running you over!

**James: **No, come on, it was a decent, strategically timed usage of a standard feature built into the vehicle…

**Jeremy: **And it would also be a decent strategically timed usage of a standard feature built into the vehicle when I shoot you in the face with my turret!

**Richard: **(off screen) Whilst Jeremy was threatening to kill James in various imaginative ways, I received our next challenge.


	2. Challenge 2

**Top Gear Halo**

**Challenge 2**

(At a custom racetrack in Forge)

**Richard: **"The biggest threat to galactic peace is the Covenant," which includes you, James, for buying their products, "who thinks that wheel reliant vehicles are pointless and primitive. You will attempt to prove them wrong."

**Jeremy: **How are we going to do that?

**Richard: **"You will each drive your vehicles around our track and your times would be compared to one set by a Covenant Ghost…"

**James: **That shouldn't be too hard.

**Richard: **"…driven by The Stig."

**James: **Oh God…

(Ghost at the starting line)

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) This is the gauntlet thrower in question: a Ghost. Over the years, these one-man platforms have claimed more lives than overdose tea bagging and at the hands of The Stig, who knows how many more they will kill? (On screen) But there are some good news for us because the Ghost uses hover technology, which means that the power from the engines have got to provide lift as well as thrust at the same time…

**Richard: **Yeah but you're forgetting something, Jeremy.

**Jeremy: **What?

**Richard: **The boost. He'll be able to use the boost on the straights and when that happens, it'll be faster than all of us.

**Jeremy: **Oh for goodness sake…trust the Covenant to install something that'll let them run away quicker…

**James: **But that's not what they're for though. According to some statistics, one in ten soldiers in battle are killed when they get splattered by a Ghost whilst using the boost.

**Jeremy: **Well it's their fault for using drugs, isn't it?

**James: **Whilst the Ghost is using the boost, idiot, not the soldiers!

**Jeremy: **…whose side are you on, anyway?

(Ghost sets off)

**Jeremy: **(off screen) And he's off, and of course since the Ghost have no tires, there's no wheel spin or friction to stand in it's way. (On screen) God that looks quick.

**Richard: **And he's using the boost there, look.

(The Ghost use up the boost on the first straight)

**Jeremy: **And I should explain that since the Ghost has no wheels, there are no worries of it sliding out of control or anything like that around a corner. But since he used up the boost, it slows down considerably…

**James: **Until it recharges.

**Jeremy: **Are you a Covenant salesman in disguise, by any chance?!

(The Ghost use the boost again on the main straight)

**Richard: **He is flying through there.

**James: **Well I guess technically he's hovering…

**Jeremy: **(Aims shotgun at his face)

**James: **I'll shut up now.

(The Ghost strafes around the last two corners)

**Jeremy: **And obviously that's something else our vehicles can't do, which is going round corners side ways.

(The Ghost crosses the finish line)

**Jeremy: **(off screen) The Stig managed to set a time of one minute fifty seconds, which was… _respectable_. But Hammond believed that it was not unbeatable.

**Richard: **He might have had the boost and all that but I think, by being consistent through the corners, I should be able to beat him.

**Jeremy: **Oh in that case, it says you should go first.

**Richard: **…eh?

**Jeremy: **It says "The first person to brag is the first to start" so off you go.

**Richard: **You made that up, didn't you?

(At the starting line)

**Richard: **(off screen) I was rather nervous because of one slightly embarrassing secret. (On screen) You see the thing is, the Mongoose is not the most stable vehicle at high speeds and actually according to some statistics, one in ten riders die not because of enemy fire but simply because their Mongooses crashed…

**Jeremy: **3, 2, 1, go!

(Richard sets off)

**Richard: **Oh, that was a great start!

**Jeremy: **It's like watching an insect buzzing around the track.

**Richard: **Coming up to the first corner, breaking!!!

(The Mongoose nearly topples)

**Richard: **Made it, just!

**Jeremy: **Is it me or did that thing nearly topple over?

**Richard:** I don't think they've noticed!

**James: **The thing I want to know is why did they ever bother to fit brake lights on the back of that thing? Who's gonna notice it?

**Jeremy:** You, obviously.

**Richard: **I've made the Hammerhead, still in one piece!

**Jeremy: **All it would take in a battle is one shot and that thing would be history.

**Richard: **(off screen) Luckily though, this wasn't a battle and I was certain that I've beaten the time set by the Ghost.

**Jeremy: **Here he comes, one fifty to beat!

**Richard: **I've crossed the line! Slowing down, now!

**James: **Well?

**Jeremy: **…damn…

**Richard: **How did I do?

**Jeremy: **The, umm, stop watch crashed.

**Richard: **Oh don't be stupid, how did I do?

**Jeremy: **(mutters) One forty five.

**Richard: **I'm sorry?

**Jeremy: **One forty five!

**Richard: **Thank you!!

(At the start line)

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) With near as it makes no difference a hundred times the horsepower of the Mongoose, my Warthog would destroy Hammond's time. (On screen) And what you should remember as well is that whilst it doesn't have cruise control or climate control, it does have four wheels steering, which might help in some way…

**Richard: **3, 2, 1, GO!

(Jeremy sets off)

**Jeremy: **Plenty of wheel spin there.

**Richard: **So just how heavy is that thing?

**James: **Well the standard Warthog weighs about ten tons.

**Richard: **And with him in it?

**James: **Put another zero behind it and you have your golden number.

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) Despite this though, the sheer power of the Warthog will compensate. (On screen) Coming up to Chicago, oh my God!

**Richard: **That's a wide turning circle there.

**Jeremy: **Come on! You're supposed to have four wheels steering!

**James: **That's right, keep shouting at it instead of paying attention to the road, now there's a way to win a war.

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) I was in big trouble; the hopeless steering coupled with the additional weight meant that Hammond's time was getting further and further out of reach. (On screen) Maybe I should've pointed the gun backwards and had someone there to hold down the trigger to provide more thrust.

**Richard: **It was never designed to do any of this, that's the problem.

**Jeremy: **Coming up to the follow through! Come on, power!!

**James: **(backing away) The only thing I'm slightly worried about is that with such a rubbish steering and limited brakes…

**Richard: **Yeah…?

**James: **If he doesn't make the next corner then he'll plough straight into us (runs away).

**Richard: **Oh thanks man, thanks a lot! (runs after him)

**Jeremy: **Second to last corner coming up, breaking hard… no we're off!

**James: **Oh my God.

**Jeremy: **That's a lot of grass! (Off screen) Still, thanks to my four wheels drive, the sudden change of terrain wasn't a problem at all. (On screen) Slowing down for Gambon and across the line!

**Richard: **So how much time should we add for cutting that corner there, you reckon?

**James: **Oh I don't know, enough to make him lose this challenge, at least.

**Jeremy: **So what was the time?

**Richard: **You really want to know?

**Jeremy: **Obviously…

**Richard: **One minute forty-eight!

**Jeremy: **You what?!

**Richard: **You want me to do my victory dance now or wait 'till later?

**James: **(off screen) Hopefully there wouldn't _be _a victory dance because it was my turn. (On screen) Obviously this will function in a similar manner to the Stig's Ghost thanks to my boost, so like a lot of challenges, there's tactics involved.

**Jeremy: **3, 2, 1, Go!

**James: **Ok, boost it now.

(The Brute Chopper powers forwards)

**James: **That's good.

**Jeremy: **If this beats mine…

**Richard: **You'll make my birthday come early and kill yourself, yeah?

**Jeremy: **Yeah.

**James: **(Off screen) Unfortunately, however, the range of the boost was not as well as I hoped for and before I could even reach the end of the straight, it ran out. (On screen) Bloody Nora.

**Jeremy: **(Starts laughing) Look at how slow that is without the boost!

**Richard: **I can walk faster than that!

**James: **This isn't quite as fast as I was hoping.

**Richard: **That thing's got a wide turning circle as well.

**Jeremy: **Even wider than my Warthog, by the looks of things…

**James: **Come on!

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) By the time James had finally done a lap, there was no need for us to finish the challenge anymore because the war has already ended. (On screen) That was spectacularly slow.

**James: **So how was it?

**Richard: **No, come on, there's no way you can possibly feel that went well.

**James: **Ok, I admit I as a bit slow on the corners but on the straights…

**Jeremy: **No, James, seriously, you've lost. That was two minutes and one second.

**James: **…Yeah but you got to admit that was a smooth and controlled lap…

(They all argue)

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) Hopefully, there would be no argument in the next challenge. On second thought, what am I talking about?


	3. News and Cool Wall

**Top Gear Halo**

**News and Cool Wall**

(Back at the studio)

**Jeremy: **Yes and we shall pick that up later but now it's time for the news! (Points at Hammond) By the way, are you wearing that for a bet?

**Richard: **(Wearing pink armour) Yeah, can we move on?

**Jeremy: **(laughs)

**Richard: **Yes and we begin with something traditional, which is taking the micky out of James.

**James: **I was wondering how long that would take…

**Richard: **The thing is, James brought that Brute Chopper because of the simple fact that he couldn't find anything else that fitted the categories but Jeremy and I did some research, and we think we've found something rather interesting and here it is.

(Picture of a Scorpion)

**James: **That's a £$%^ing tank, you idiot.

**Richard: **Ah but bear with us because this is a Scorpion battle tank, which as you can see have four sets of tracks which _could_ be passed off as four wheels…

**James: **If you were stabbed in both eyes then yes.

**Jeremy: **Seriously, though James, I'm surprised that you didn't give this thing some consideration because not only is it heavily armoured, it's also got one hell of a weapon, which can make mince meat out of anything from infantry…

**Richard: **…to your ego.

**James: **Yes but as we saw in those first two challenges, if I had chosen a Scorpion then I would still be out there right now trying to finish the drag race and then eventually realising that the reason it won't move is because it used up all of its fuel in the first ten yards.

**Jeremy: **…that's a good point.

**James: **And what's more, I would have needed to win the Lottery twenty times in a row just to be able to afford one second hand.

**Richard: **_Twenty_ times? That would be a bargain for a Scorpion these days, wouldn't it?

**Jeremy: **Yes but James, we realised this and went a bit further with our research and it turned out that if you simply bothered to look hard enough, there's something else you could've bought instead. So while I was on the Internet, I found this!

(A POV shot of someone being tea bagged)

AUDIENCE GROANS

**Jeremy: **And then I found this!

(Picture of Elephant)

**James: **Why would I want to buy the Top Gear Production office? I mean it is a lot cheaper than all of our vehicles but how is that gonna help in terms of winning the challenge?

**Richard: **Well the point is, James, that if you'd bothered to spend time looking for magnificent vehicles like these, you wouldn't need to worry about winning a drag race or anything like that because you can just simply run your opponents over.

**James: **Yes but then we wouldn't be able to film it because we wouldn't have a production office anymore.

**Richard: **well the army funds us now and I'm pretty sure they would be able to spare ten quid to buy us a new one.

**Jeremy: **Yes, and moving on now. You know that Warthog I've bought? Well since we made that film it would seem as though the manufacturers were watching because they are releasing various new versions of it ready for sale at the end of this year. I've got some pictures here, look. (Shows picture of cannon equipped Warthog) I'll admit that most of these variations focus heavily on the weapon on the back but with this new rocket equipped Warthog, not even a Scorpion would be able to stand up against it.

**James: **And then you would start crying your eyes out when you realise that not only did it burn such a big hole in your pocket that your entire trousers fell down but also you can still only fit three people in it at any one time.

**Jeremy: **Well, yes but you see James, that's not the worst of it. Because I can reveal for the first time anywhere that there's a civilian version being released.

**Richard: **What?

**James: **No way.

**Jeremy: **I'm not making this up; I've actually got a photograph of it here. (Shows picture). Now, I realise that people recognise a true military classic when they see one but would you genuinely want something parked on your drive way that's gonna cause members of the police department to visit your home every single time somebody sees it?

**Richard: **And just a wild guess but does it still only do half a mile per gallon?

**Jeremy: **That depends on whether you would actually be able to set off in the first place because you would've been arrested long before that. Oh and GOOD NEWS!

**Richard: **What?!

**Jeremy: **The Dacia Sandero is in this show!

LARGE PICTURE OF DACIA SANDERO FOR A SECOND

**Jeremy: **And moving on now…

**Richard: **Actually, before we do that, we've had a lot of complaints and no doubt more after tonight's program that we never give enough screen time to affordable cars. So in case you're thinking of writing yet another useless article hoping to take us off air, Mr Editor of the Daily Mail, we _are_ going to allow more screen time for cheap, affordable cars in this episode. So let's spend two more seconds looking at that picture.

LARGE PICTURE OF DACIA SANDERO FOR TWO SECONDS

**Richard: **Ok, _now_ moving on…!

**James: **Now I've got a letter here from someone in Portsmouth who's apparently part of the Army and for various legal issues, we're not allowed to reveal his name. This chap has sent us some videos of top-secret new military training regimes set up by the UNSC.

**Jeremy: **Training regimes?

**James: **Yes and in his letter, he stated that these are genuine footages of new recruits getting ready for their big futures on the front lines and these are just some of them.

(Video starts. A line of ten soldiers stands still whilst a Warthog drives past them carrying a soldier with a Spartan laser on the passenger seat. He fires and the beam goes through some of them. Next clip. Two soldiers stand in a line whilst a third snipes them both through the head. Next clip. A soldier throws a plasie into a grav lift and it sticks to a passing Mongoose quite some distance away. Next clip. A line of soldiers practicing tea bagging with someone counting in the background.)

**Richard:** (Laughing)James, are you sure those are real and not just the result of your warped imagination?

**James: **Oh no, they are definitely real but the problem is, even though I'm sure that dipping your testicles into a dead man's face is a perfectly effective strategy in theory, in practice, things aren't as simple as that as this bloke demonstrates whilst trying to pass his driving course.

(Clip of a guy running over someone with a Warthog. He gets out and starts tea-bagging but gets sniped in the head after a few seconds)

**Richard: **You would've thought that the Covenant would at least have the decency to let someone finish their various activities before shooting them in the head.

**Jeremy: **Absolutely, I don't do anything to them when they're rubbing it into my face like that.

**James: **No, you just take off your helmet and bite their bollocks off before they realise what just happened.

**Jeremy: **Rubbish! What I actually do is chuck a plasie in between their legs and laugh my head off. You know that perfectly well because I did that to you last week, which is why you've just won the last series of X-Factor.

**Richard: **That would explain a lot of things, I'm sure.

**James: **And I still owned them both in that match. But the thing that gets on my nerves is that the UNSC gives out awards for frankly stupid achievements out in the battlefield such as killing three Brutes with one blast from a Spartan Laser or five headshots in a row. I mean this is a war, for Christ sake!

**Jeremy: **I know! It's like they're treating it as a game! Anyway, that is the end of the news. Now let's see where our second hand vehicles end up on the Cool Wall!

**Richard: **Yes, now for this new military funded episode of Top Gear, we decided to start from fresh and decide just how cool military vehicles are these days.

**Jeremy: **And don't think it's irrelevant either, because according to research, one in ten Elites get dazzled by a cool vehicle, which of course allows our boys to finish them off. So without further delays, let's get on with it and straight away, we have a problem. The Warthog. Where does it go on our board?

**Richard: **Oooh, this is a hard one.

**Jeremy: **Well the fact is, it's four wheel-drive and normally that should be cool…

**Richard: **But not this time.

**Jeremy: **What?

**Richard: **Because it might look cool and all that but in essence, it's actually just a Humvee in disguise and Humvees are uncool…

**Jeremy: **Are you by any chance still concussed after I walloped you with that grav hammer just now? How can you say that Humvees are uncool?

**Richard: **Because they're massive, heavy and unnecessary, I shouldn't have to explain this to _you_!

**Jeremy: **I'm terribly sorry ladies and gentlemen but it looks as if we have a noob in the studio!

(Random guy runs up and wacks Richard)

**Richard: **Oh thanks for that!

**Jeremy: **Let's just get some opinions on this one. (Walks up to random guy) What do you think of the Warthog?

**Random Guy: **Subzero, you can't go wrong with that.

**Jeremy: **There we are. You know nothing, Hammond.

**Richard: **But hang on, you fool, even you can't deny that underneath all that cosmetic make up, it's just a Humvee and whenever a car tries to copy another one, it's automatically uncool!

**Jeremy: **That's rich coming from a noob.

(Random guy runs up and wacks Richard)

**Richard: **Oh for crying out loud, would you stop using the secret password?

**Jeremy: **Look, the point is, Richard, that you will never get people to agree with you because Warthogs are the spines of our planet and if you think otherwise then you can only be a traitor so it's going towards super cool whether you like it or not.

(Warthog spawns in subzero section)

**Audience: **Yeah!

**Richard: **One day, you'll regret that. Anyway, I've got the Mongoose here and I think that's a cool vehicle.

**Jeremy: **And only a noob would think that.

(Random guy runs up and wacks Richard)

**Richard: **Sometimes I don't even know why I bother. But the fact is it's light, nimble and can run circles around the Warthog…

**Jeremy: **But it has no weapons and has no real function on the battlefield other than making yourself look like a complete cock seconds before you die.

**Richard: **Well you'd say that but for revenge of you using the secret password, I'm going to use a weapon that you fear more than anything else…

**Jeremy: **What?

**Richard: **The fact that only last week, Kristine Scot Thomas posed for a commercial photo shoot on a Mongoose and here's the picture right here!

(Image of a Spartan in pink sitting on a Mongoose)

**Audience: **YAY!!!

**Jeremy: **…I really hate you for that, Hammond.

**Richard: **But it's your rules so the Mongoose is joining the Warthog in the subzero section. (Mongoose spawns next to the Warthog)

**Jeremy: **(Hurrying) Ok, we've got a lot to go through so let's up the pace a little bit. I've got the Brute Chopper here.

**Richard: **Seriously uncool.

**Jeremy: **Correct. (Brute Chopper spawns in Seriously uncool section) And now getting back to our normal pace…

**Richard: **Hold on, I've got an idea. (Shoots the Brute Chopper with a rocket) That's how uncool that thing really is.

**Jeremy: **Do you mind if I move on because every second I spend talking about that thing; it gives me another genital wart. That's how annoying that thing is. I've got the Ghost here. What do we think?

**Richard: **Now this is genuinely difficult because even though the Ghost is Covenant made, it still holds this attraction towards it that just makes it look so sleek and dangerous. It's like a super bike: you know that it shouldn't be cool and yet you just can't resist it.

**Jeremy: **Absolutely and actually, if there were another section beyond Subzero, I would put it there. (Ghost spawns in subzero)

**Richard: **Even though it's the only vehicle noobs ever drive?

(Random guy runs up and wacks Richard)

**Richard: **Hold on! How come he didn't hit you?!

**Jeremy: **Military secret, other wise known as a bribe. Now I've got the Elephant here, which is the biggest vehicle used in the army today that only require one driver.

**Audience: **Subzero!

**Jeremy: **I'm sorry? Who said that? Who said that the Production Office is subzero?

**Richard: **How can anyone consider this solid lump of revolting pig iron as cool is beyond me.

**Jeremy: **I mean if you pulled outside Kristine Scot Thomas's house in that, she would simply go "you've just discovered the stage beyond showing off".

**Richard: **Exactly and the problem is, it's so massive that we can't even put it on the board so it's actually all the way in Sand trap and guess which direction that is. (Turns towards the seriously uncool section)

**Jeremy: **Yes and now it's time to return to our challenges…

**Richard: **Hold on a second, can I just get one thing off my chest?

**Jeremy: **Go on.

**Richard: **(Shoots the Brute Chopper with another rocket) There we go, now I feel much better.

**Jeremy: **Same here.


	4. Valhalla

**Top Gear Halo**

**Valhalla challenges**

(Valhalla)

**James: **(Off screen) The next morning, we were told to meet up at Valhalla for our third challenge. And judging by Richard's lack of confidence, you can just tell that he knew who was going to win.

**Richard: **I don't know about you but I've got a bad feeling about this.

**Jeremy: **Why?

**Richard: **Well use your head, you fool; these are military vehicles and apart from speed and handling and all that, how else can we test them?

**Jeremy: **…See which one's best for running James over? (Off screen) But as it turned out, it was something much more horrifying…

**James: **What the…? "Military vehicles are often used in conjunction with support units to achieve the highest effectiveness, but in the real world one may often find themselves isolated from outside help. You will therefore complete a lap around Valhalla in the shortest time possible whilst being hunted down by a Banshee driven by The Stig…"

(Silence)

**Jeremy: **"Hunted down…?"

**Richard: **What does it mean by that?

**James: **It doesn't say. (Off screen) As it turned out, The Stig was going to use taser beams on us and the only hope we have of surviving is with speed and decent protection, neither of which were something I had.

**Jeremy: **Your Brute Chopper is essentially a motorbike, James.

**James: **You're not making this any better, you know. (Off screen) Worse still, it turned out I had to start first.

**Richard: **There's no way he's gonna make it.

**James: **(Off screen) Well, let's find out. (On screen) Ok, this is how it's gonna work, I'm going to be given a ten second head start and then Stig will give chase. Don't start betting against me, however, because I have an idea…

**Announcer: **3, 2, 1, GO!

(Brute Chopper sets off)

**James: **Here we go! I have to get the most out of my head start!

**Jeremy: **Is he heading towards the trees?

**James: **Ok this is my plan: whilst Valhalla is mostly open ground, I'm going to have to take advantage out of what little protection it offers and hopefully the Stig would struggle to get off a decent shot.

**Richard: **If he's taking that thing into the woods…

**Jeremy: **He's gonna get stuck, isn't he?

**James: **Arriving at the trees and the Banshee is off! (Off screen) Unfortunately, however, Jeremy's prediction turned out to be true. (On screen) Bugger!

**Jeremy: **(laughs)

(The Brute Chopper struggles to drive around the trees and rocks, constantly crashing and having to reverse)

**James: **This might be a slight problem! (Off screen) Luckily, though, my constant movement was causing problems for the Stig.

(The Stig open fire and most of the shots misses)

**James: **Yes! You see that's where the Stig's gonna have problems because our fake Banshee up there had to go through 15 different health and safety forms filled by some bloke called Steve and thanks to that, it now no longer have a fuel rod cannon!

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) James might have been feeling confident that his makeshift cover was enough to protect him from the basic tasers, but the fact remained that the challenge was for us to make a complete lap, which meant that sooner or later, James would have to keep going. And with that problem still to come, The Stig took away his only advantage left. (On screen) Does James know that Steve is actually an Elite POW?

**James: **Permission to say cock.

(The Stig fires a fuel rod round that nearly hits James)

**James: **£$%^ that stings! (Off screen) I had no choice but to try and make it to the other outpost, but with virtually nothing separating me and The Stig, I was going to have to break out my ingenuity. (He comes out the forest in reverse)

**Richard: **What the hell is he doing?!

**James: **This is more like it! (Off screen) Because of the Brute Chopper's incredibly tough armour coupled with its design, it was naturally more protected at the front. (On screen) Just try and get me now, Stig!

(The Stig opens fire and the Brute Chopper's front wheels absorb the shots)

**Jeremy: **That is annoying.

**James: **I'm nearly at the second outpost!

**Richard: **(Off screen) Even though it looked slow, The Stig certainly had problems shooting James down. But his smugness didn't last for long. (On Screen) Look out behind you, James!!

**James: **(Backs up into a wall of explosive barrels and sets them off) £$%^!

**Jeremy: **That looked painful.

**James: **(Gets back to his feet) Might need to re-adjust that tactic slightly, I reckon.

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) With his Brute Chopper out of action, at least for now, James's lap was done. (On screen) Half a lap, that's all he managed.

**Richard: **(Off screen) I was next and my speed advantage seemed more essential than ever before. (On screen) Even though I'm just as exposed as James was, I'm not that worried because for once, I have a secret weapon up my sleeve as well.

**Announcer: **3, 2, 1, GO!

**Richard: **Here we go! (He drives up the first outpost)

**Jeremy: **What are you doing, Hammond?! (Jumps out of the way)

**Richard: **Sorry, mate! (Drives into the grav lift) Yeah! (Off screen) Even though I landed on the other side of the river, the challenge didn't say specifically which direction we had to go.

**James: **Utter pikey.

**Richard: **You see, that's how it's done! I'm nearly half way there and Stig hasn't even lifted off yet!

**Jeremy: **(off screen) By the time The Stig have taken off, Hammond had already made it to the second outpost but the moment he tried to use the same trick twice: disaster.

**Richard: **(Jumps through the grav lift) This is gonna be brilliant… Oh £$%^!

(Stig flies straight at him and fires, knocking him off the Mongoose)

**James: **Oh dear.

**Richard: **(Off screen) I didn't make it. (Back at the first outpost)

**James: **So how does it feel?

**Richard: **It stings a little bit, I admit, but at least I managed to beat you.

**James: **How did you reach that conclusion? I made it half way as well!

**Richard: **But I got onto the grav lift and was halfway back again before he shot me down…!

**James: **But you were in mid air!

**Richard: **What's wrong with that…?!

**Jeremy: **Enough! Because as you will see now, this was a foregone conclusion all along. (Off screen) It was my Warthog's turn and now that it was on home turf, there was no way I could loose. (On screen) You see the fact is; my vehicle is the only one here that's protected from both the front and the back. I mean ok, there're no doors but unless he attacks me from the side, that won't really matter.

**Announcer: **3, 2, 1, GO!

**Jeremy: **Away we go!

**James: **Actually I hate to say this but he might do quite well here.

**Jeremy: **This is proper off road now! Come on, more power!

**Richard: **But it doesn't actually have a roof either, does it?

**James: **Well no, because all it have is a girder that connects the windscreen to the back end.

**Richard: **Precisely I mean apparently one in ten drivers gets killed in battle because there're no doors or roof to protect them from snipers.

**James: **…where do we get these statistics from, anyway?

**Jeremy: **The Stig's taken off, but no matter! (Off screen) The second outpost was in sight and the Banshee was still way out of range, victory was in my grasp. But then… (On screen) Oh, what was that?

(The Warthog slows down and eventually stops)

**Jeremy: **It's stopped, why did it do that?!

**Richard: **What's going on?

**Jeremy: **I've got no response from the throttle at all and the engine's cut out. COME ON!!! (Off screen) The Stig was on his way and unless I could move, I was a sitting duck.

**James: **You see; I know exactly what's happened.

**Richard: **He forgot to fill it up, didn't he? (Laughs)

**Jeremy: **The engine won't start!

**James: **You would've thought that by now, car manufactures would've abandoned an energy source as primitive as petrol but obviously no one ever told that to the people who made that Warthog…

**Richard: **(Clears throat) Not to dampen your spirits or anything but my Mongoose uses petrol as well…

**James: **That just proves that you're an idiot like him doesn't it? Because my Brute Chopper runs on a highly efficient fuel that the Covenants call "Sprinkala", which means…

**Richard: **Petrol.

**Jeremy: **(off screen) This was bad and with no outside help allowed, I had no choice but to leave the Warthog behind. (On screen) I'm getting off!

**Richard: **Idiot! He got out of it!

**Jeremy: **(Runs towards the second outpost) Need to find cover fast!

**James: **(Off screen) By now the Stig was bearing down on him and was ready to reduce him to bits.

(The Stig fires and hits him)

**Jeremy: **Ow! It's like wearing a pair of trousers full of bees! (Off screen) I was trapped and had no way out, the only shelter I had was the second outpost but with no vehicle it looked as though I was going to loose. (On screen) I'm gonna have to resort to something a _little_ bit drastic.

**James: **He's had it.

**Jeremy: **(Comes out with a rocket launcher) Eat this, Stig!! (Fires)

(The Stig jumps out just before the Banshee is blown up)

**Richard: **What the hell was that?!

**Jeremy: **Head shot!

**Richard: **That cheating £$%^! (Off screen) Worse still, by the time he got back, Jeremy's habit of bending the rules to his advantage returned as well.

**Jeremy: **I think it's fair to say that I won that.

**James: **You what?

**Richard: **Jeremy, your Warthog was stopped before it ever reached the second outpost so actually you've lost…!

**Jeremy: **Ah! But you were killed when you tried to do that stupid jump and James was killed when he blew himself up whereas I've eliminated the threat and made it back in one piece.

**James: **Without your vehicle, you did.

**Jeremy: **Did it ever say that you had to complete a lap in your vehicle? I was lucky enough that someone left that weapon in there…

**Richard: **Which was against the rules!

**Jeremy: **Where did it say that?

**Richard: **Well…

**Jeremy: **You should've used it as well but you didn't, therefore I won. (Off screen) I was feeling smug until we were given yet another challenge. We were told to repair our vehicles and get them back to the starting line in time to meet a special guest. (On screen) "We have seen how your vehicles would cope on the defensive, now we will see how they would cope on the offensive. You will all attempt to hunt down a rouge agent released into Valhalla using nothing but your vehicles. The first one to kill him wins."

**Richard: **"Rouge agent"?

**Jeremy: **That's right. Some say that he eats bowls of sniper rounds for breakfast, without any milk and that throughout his career; he's tea-bagged so many people that recently, he was mistaken for a woman. All we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's military cousin!

(Master Chief arrives)

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) This is John, Top Gear's tame Spartan and he has seen more battles than anyone else we could find on the local newspaper. (On screen) So, are you excited about this?

(Silence)

**Jeremy: **Umm, do you have any special tactics you're planning to use?

(Silence)

**Jeremy: **You know what, I think we might have finally found someone The Stig can have a meaningful conversation with. In fact… Stig! Come over here!

(Stig comes over and the two just look at each other in silence)

**Jeremy:** (Off screen) Unfortunately we only had so much time on our hands so we really had to get going.

**Richard: **(Off screen) This prospect didn't really appeal to me. (On screen) We were just told that John is allowed to use any means necessary to survive, so…

**James: **(Off screen) And with no experience nor knowledge of what we were about to do, we simply had to improvise and use our old tactic of smashing our heads straight through the problem. (On screen) Right, here's how this is going to work: John is going to get a head start of five minutes, by which time he could be anywhere in Valhalla. Meanwhile, we will have to try and find him and then incapacitate him by any means necessary using our second hand vehicles and at the same time, we have to try and keep ourselves alive from whatever attacks get thrown at us. (Inhales) I'm confident.

**Richard: **(Off screen) But I wasn't. (On screen) I don't want to say this in front of the others but I really wish I brought something that has weapons right now…

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) With our vehicles repaired and John at the starting line, he was soon released for his five-minute head start. (On Screen) And it's only been a few seconds and I've already lost sight of him. (Off screen) Five agonising minutes later, we were off.

**James: **(Off screen) To even up the odds, we were given radios to keep in touch of each other's progress so that we might somehow work as a team. Unfortunately, however, Jeremy decided to use it to taunt Hammond.

**Richard: **Ok, I'm gonna have a look around here, Jeremy, and hopefully I'll be able to flush him out.

**Jeremy: **Did you leave a will?

**Richard: **I'm sorry?

**Jeremy: **It's just that you're gonna die today so I wondered if you left me anything nice. Maybe that tooth-whitening kit…?

**Richard: **I'll give you all the horse manure in my stable if you don't shut up!

**James: **(Off screen) By this stage, I was getting awfully worried that somehow, John might be looking at us through some cross hairs and all of a sudden, my lack of protection began to make me nervous again. (On screen) Can any of you keep an eye on my six?

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) But as it turned out, the chances of getting sniped were the least of our worries.

**Richard: **What was that?!

(Master Chief throws grenades at him)

**Richard: **Jesus Christ!

**Jeremy: **Hammond, where the hell are you?!

**Richard: **(Off screen) This was bad; I was trapped with a rampaging killing machine in my tiny Mongoose with no weapons and no armour to protect me. The only choice I had was to try and splatter him. (On screen) Alright, here I come!! (Tries to splatter Master Chief but misses) Bugger!

**Jeremy: **(Off screen)The problem was that whilst Hamster's Mongoose was fast and nimble, it was so unstable that on rough terrains such as this just keeping it in a straight line was a struggle.

**Richard: **(Misses again) Oh stop moving you £$%^!

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) Maybe I'd have better luck. (Tries to run him over but Master Chief jumps out of the way and he hits Richard instead)

**Richard: **Clarkson, you £$%^! (Off screen) Thanks to Jeremy's recklessness, my Mongoose was toppled over but since it was essentially a quad bike, it didn't take long for me to flip it back up. (On screen, flips it back up) There, good as new! (Off screen) But it still cost me precious time.

**Jeremy: **I think this is a good time to engage my fully functional turret. (presses a button)

(Silence)

**Jeremy: **No wait, that was the heater.

**Richard: **(Getting back on) It's manual, you idiot, and you don't have a gunner!

**Jeremy: **Umm, I'm gonna have to… hold on, (gets out) I'm gonna have to get onto the back…

**Richard: **(Off screen) Our lack of organisation was a little embarrassing, but that was the least of my problems. (On screen) What's he doing with that hammer?!

(Master Chief hits the Mongoose with a grav hammer)

**Richard: **DAMN!!

(The Mongoose is wrecked)

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) With Hammond out and me still trying to figure out how my turret worked, John disappeared yet again to re-plan his next assault. And being the kind and thoughtful soul I am, I offered Richard some help. (On screen) Do you want a lift in my Warthog?

**Richard: **Is that supposed to be a trick question or something, you fool, of course I do!

**Jeremy: **How much will you pay me?

**Richard: **A million pounds.

**Jeremy: **Ok then, where is it?

**Richard: **You what?

**Jeremy: **You've offered me a million pounds dozens of times since Top Gear first began and I haven't seen one penny yet, so where is it?

**Richard: **Look will you just shut up and give me a hand?!

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) Since we were under some considerable pressure, I had to make a compromise. (On screen) Get onto the back and start gunning and I might just take a million off your billion pound debt.

**James: **(Off screen) Whilst those two were mucking around as usual, John turned his attention to me. (On screen) I see him; he's just getting onto the second outpost. (Off screen) But I wasn't worried because unlike Clarkson and Hammond, my Brute Chopper had weapons that I could actually use. (On screen) Take this!

(Brute Chopper fires but misses wildly)

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) The fact remained, however, that James's Chopper was designed to counter enemy vehicles rather than infantry, which meant that at a distance of more than a few yards, its weapons were useless. (On screen) James, you're gonna have to get closer!

(Sniper shot hits the passenger seat)

**Jeremy: **Christ! Hammond, give us covering fire!

**Richard: **Well stop driving like an idiot and give me time to aim! (Off screen) This was hopeless; whilst the mini-gun turret had decent accuracy, at a speed like this, it's more a case of pointing it roughly at one direction, fire and prays that you can hit something.

**James: **(Off screen) What's worse was that whilst we had no idea what we were doing, John _did_.

(Plasma pistol shot immobilise the Brute Chopper)

**James: **£$%^ I've stalled. Weapons aren't working. Everything's dead! (Off screen) Even though the effect was only temporary, it still gave John plenty of time to cause some damage.

(Sniper shot hits James)

**James: **Ow!! That wasn't a blank!

**Richard: **(Off screen) And just when we thought it was time to relax… (On screen) Jeremy, what's the best way of stopping someone who's charging at you with a sword?

**Jeremy: **Shoot them in the face!

**Richard: **Thanks. (Fires)

**James: **I'm coming over to you.

**Jeremy: **(Off screen) Hammond was absolutely useless at gunning him down so I had no choice but to go for the tried and tested approach. (On screen) John, I've got a few people who want to meet you here; they're called tyres!

(Master Chief shoots the Warthog with a BR)

**Jeremy: **Shoot all you like; you're not getting through this armour! (Off screen) Unfortunately, though, it turned out that my Warthog did have a design flaw…

(Master Chief hijacks the vehicle)

**Jeremy: **Oh damn and blast!

**Richard: **Jeremy, you £$%^! (Gets off)

(Master Chief gets off and guts Hammond with a sword)

**Richard: **£$%^ I'll be feeling that in the morning!

**James: **(Off screen) Even though Hammond was well and truly out, I wasn't worried. (On screen) I'm here!

**Jeremy: **James, do something! (Runs around screaming)

**James: **Ok, John, this has gone far enough. (Tries to splatter Master Chief using the boost, he jumps out of the way and the Chopper destroys the Warthog by mistake) Oh no…

**Jeremy: **James, you stupid idiot!

**James: **Sorry! (Off screen) No matter, because I was still in it…for a while. (Gets a plasma grenade on the back, on screen) Is there something on my back?

(BOOM!)


	5. Results

**Top Gear Halo**

**The Results**

(Back at the studio)

**Jeremy: **I have to say, Hammond, your Mongoose was absolutely rubbish!

**Richard: **How can you say that? My Mongoose won the first three challenges whilst your Warthog won nothing!

**Jeremy: **Wait, the first _three_?

**Richard: **Yes, the drag race, the lap and dodging the Banshee…

**Jeremy: **No, I won the Banshee bit…!

**James: **Oh not again.

**Richard: **Look, the fact is, it was a test of how good your vehicle was, not a test of how you could pull out a rocket launcher out of nowhere and shooting The Stig down! We nearly had to replace him again!

**Jeremy: **But the idea was that I used ingenuity…

**Richard: **But not your vehicle! Hands up who thinks I'm right?

**Audience: **YEAH!!!

**Richard: **Thank you!

**James: **Ok now that that's been sorted, it is time to add up the scores. The first test was, of course, the drag race and Richard won that fair and square, so that's three points. I came second…

**Jeremy: **By cheating…

**James: **So I get two points. And for coming last, Jeremy gets one point.

**Richard: **Yes, and then it was the lap now we get points for every second under the Ghost's time and loose points for every second over it so that's five for me, two for Jeremy and James, you lost eleven.

**James: **Oh for goodness sake…

**Jeremy: **And then there was the lap around Valhalla. James came second so he got two points, Richard came first so he got three and I came…

**Richard: **Last…

**Jeremy: **Stop rubbing it in! Ok I came last and got one point.

**Richard: **And lastly we have the final challenge and for this one it's a bit more complicated.

**Jeremy: **Yes, because we got points for how long we lasted, how much damage we inflicted on John and there would also be bonus points awarded for various other aspects about our attempts.

**James: **So, for lasting the longest, I got three points. Jeremy got two points for coming second and then Hammond got one.

**Richard: **Don't gloat, though, because for nailing one or two shots on John, I got another two points!

**Jeremy: **No, hold on, you can't claim that.

**Richard: **Why not?

**Jeremy: **Well, you were in _my_ Warthog, using _my_ turret whilst _I_ was driving.

**Richard: **But it was _me_ who actually shot him!

**Jeremy: **But the point is you were already out so those two points should be mine, who agrees with me?

**Audience: **NO!!

**Jeremy: **Oh for goodness sake…

**Richard: **Thank you! As I was saying, Jeremy, you get nothing in terms of damage and nor does James. But remember, there are also bonus points to consider. So Jeremy, you lost another point for crashing into my Mongoose…

**Jeremy: **What?!

**Richard: **And James, you lost another point for destroying the Warthog.

**Jeremy: **Hold on, I gave you a lift so shouldn't I gain some points for that?

**Richard: **Well you're right, the judges did think you should've got three points for that _but_, if you take those points, you won't get the million pounds I offered.

**James: **It's a tough choice.

**Jeremy: **It is a tough choice and it's not like I'm greedy or anything but I know that you'll end up offering more million pounds in the near future and since I'm charging ten percent interest, I can only get more when I decide to cash in one day so I'll take the points, if you don't mind.

**Richard: **Oh thanks a lot…

**James: **So, at this moment in time, I have minus five points.

**Jeremy: **Not going well, is it?

**James: **You, Jeremy, have twelve points. And Hammond has fourteen!

**Richard: **YES!

**Jeremy: **Ah, but…there's more because there's the point of how much we actually spent on our vehicles in the first place. And so we get one point for every hundred thousand we saved from our original ten million pound budget. So Richard, how much did you spend on your Mongoose?

**Richard: **Umm, well they are fairly new and the one I got was in reasonable condition…

**Jeremy: **How much?

**Richard: **Umm, eight million pounds.

**Audience: **Ooooh!

**Jeremy: **That's a lot of money for a quad bike.

**Richard: **But it's fewer than ten million so I got another twenty points!

**Jeremy: **Yes you do, which brings your final score to thirty four. But you're not gonna like this…

**Richard: **Oh, I have a horrible feeling that your Warthog costs less than my Mongoose.

**Jeremy: **I spent, and you won't believe this, a bargain price of _five_ million pounds!

**Richard: **No!!!

**Jeremy: **Which means I get _fifty_ points! That puts me at sixty-two points.

**Richard: **So James, unless you got yours for a ridiculously low price, Jeremy is the winner…

**James: **You want to know how much my Brute Chopper cost me?

**Jeremy: **Yes…

**James: **_Minus_ one pound.

**Jeremy and Richard: **WHAT?!

**James: **Let me explain. You see the thing is because the Brute Chopper is Covenant made, nobody wants to buy it and what's worse is that anybody who _did_ buy one became the laughing stock of their town so when I found that little old lady in Guildford, whose son actually got this thing as a souvenir from a recent battle, she actually paid me a pound to get it off her hands.

**Jeremy: **So…that means you get…a hundred points?

**James: **Precisely which means I've won the challenge!

**Jeremy: **And on that bombshell we really need to end so from Richard, the traitor, and me, we'll see you next week. Good night!


End file.
